TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from area. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Of course, positive, let us have A different location where American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he must cease utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You understand, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower Trump Tower Damascus is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD can have switch-down service."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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